Wednesday, February 22, 2012
My heart
I love my husband. I love my children. I love you all yes I do.
My body may ache and my head may hurt, my words may be foul and my discriptions sometimes shallow but I love you all yes I do.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Armageddon
Today was Armageddon.
I felt like I was back on the birthing table listening to my daughters first cry's. How precious you say....Wrong! OMG............hurry up and fucking talk because your malfunction needs repair and I need to know how to fix it!!!!
My poor Hog was awakened by the damn cleaners and she was pissed. Luckily papa arrived and rocked that punk to sleep, only by that time I was on the verge of a break down and was the one in need of being rocked. And shit it still wasn't 19:30 Chardonnay time.
I soothed myself by going into a catatonic state of numbness only to be ripped away from that by a flying water bottle. "fuck, who let Dick out of the closet!" as I quickly do a survey to ensure Boo's head was still intact.
Survey says : 1 child asleep in papas arms, another going ape shit in kitchen ,oh and there is the 3rd wondering "who the hell are these fucks". FML
19:45 has arrived and all assholes are accounted for and sleeping.
I survived today's Armageddon.
I felt like I was back on the birthing table listening to my daughters first cry's. How precious you say....Wrong! OMG............hurry up and fucking talk because your malfunction needs repair and I need to know how to fix it!!!!
My poor Hog was awakened by the damn cleaners and she was pissed. Luckily papa arrived and rocked that punk to sleep, only by that time I was on the verge of a break down and was the one in need of being rocked. And shit it still wasn't 19:30 Chardonnay time.
I soothed myself by going into a catatonic state of numbness only to be ripped away from that by a flying water bottle. "fuck, who let Dick out of the closet!" as I quickly do a survey to ensure Boo's head was still intact.
Survey says : 1 child asleep in papas arms, another going ape shit in kitchen ,oh and there is the 3rd wondering "who the hell are these fucks". FML
19:45 has arrived and all assholes are accounted for and sleeping.
I survived today's Armageddon.
Sweetness
Today was a good day. There were no bitch slaps , there were no flying swords, there were I love yous and hugs. Okay maybe a few flying swords but all in all Dick, Hog & Boo were pretty much all sweetness.
Today as in yesterday. F*!k
Today as in yesterday. F*!k
Saturday, February 18, 2012
The Killing Machine
My DS (darling son) throws his toys, throws his sippy cup, throws his food and even trys to throw his sweet sisters. Where he is trying to throw all these things I just don't know but I am going to throw him right out the fucking door !!!!
I mean really , how do you discipline a 20 month old who really honestly just doesn't give a shit. I am at the end of my rope with this positive parenting shit, "sweetheart, we don't throw our toys, we play with them. Like this darling....darling look at mama, sweety look at mama, DICK look at mama, FOR FUCK SAKES WILL YOU LOOK AT MAMA!"
Positive parenting yeah right.... I am about to throw that sippy cup right back at him and I have better aim ! God love him.
I must admit for a 20 month old his aim is actually very good. 80% of the time he throws something at the girls he usually hits his target.
Oh my favorite is when he bitch slaps me. But according to the new age parenting style I am to take that bitch slap and shove it up my ass where it can hang out for a while until the next bitch slap comes. And when my ass is full of bitch slaps I will have a bitchin bowel movement to make room for more bitch slaps.
It amazes me the control our children have over us parents today. Good for you kids !!
But like a good new age positive parenting mother I stick to the ways of today, and I gently explain that it is not ok to hit , that it hurts mama , blah blah blah. I am about to vomit.
I find the things that get me through these moments are the little lies I tell myself, the little self talk I have in my head, the words of encouragement I repeat, "I love motherhood, this is all temporary, he is not Stewy , he loves me, I am a good mother , I love motherhood, I love motherhood, no place like home , no place like home, fuck I am home , fuck Dick is still throwing his toys, fuck I really did have 3 kids, I love motherhood."
That's all I have to say about that.
I mean really , how do you discipline a 20 month old who really honestly just doesn't give a shit. I am at the end of my rope with this positive parenting shit, "sweetheart, we don't throw our toys, we play with them. Like this darling....darling look at mama, sweety look at mama, DICK look at mama, FOR FUCK SAKES WILL YOU LOOK AT MAMA!"
Positive parenting yeah right.... I am about to throw that sippy cup right back at him and I have better aim ! God love him.
I must admit for a 20 month old his aim is actually very good. 80% of the time he throws something at the girls he usually hits his target.
Oh my favorite is when he bitch slaps me. But according to the new age parenting style I am to take that bitch slap and shove it up my ass where it can hang out for a while until the next bitch slap comes. And when my ass is full of bitch slaps I will have a bitchin bowel movement to make room for more bitch slaps.
It amazes me the control our children have over us parents today. Good for you kids !!
But like a good new age positive parenting mother I stick to the ways of today, and I gently explain that it is not ok to hit , that it hurts mama , blah blah blah. I am about to vomit.
I find the things that get me through these moments are the little lies I tell myself, the little self talk I have in my head, the words of encouragement I repeat, "I love motherhood, this is all temporary, he is not Stewy , he loves me, I am a good mother , I love motherhood, I love motherhood, no place like home , no place like home, fuck I am home , fuck Dick is still throwing his toys, fuck I really did have 3 kids, I love motherhood."
That's all I have to say about that.
My blossoming rose
I have 3 beautiful sweet children whom I love deeply. Would I do anything for them? Most definitely. Do I ever have visions of them being pumpkin's and smashing them to a fine paste, all the fucking time !!!
Who ever said motherhood was the most rewarding , blissful time of their lives was high on cookie dough and low grade cooking oil. I on the other hand prefer to have on hand an empty CD case, visa card and a rolled up 5 dollar bill. Of course..... I am a responsible mother of 3 lovely children and have given up my rockstlye ways, now its a glass of Chardonnay at 19:30 sharp. FML!
So here's the story: 20 months ago I gave birth to a beautiful 7.10lb baby boy who we called Dick. The birthing was remarkably easy and pleasant. (we took Hypnobirthing classes). When things felt tense and I had any discomfort we immediately resorted to our Hypno training and started to meditate. I would envision my vagina becoming a blossoming rose , which symbolized the opening of the birth canal. A safe clean route for my first child to exit from. My husband had also learnt some nifty techniques which he put into use. Ie; a squeeze of the shoulder to help put me into a deep relaxation .
HAHA! Yeah right, DICK ???? Easy and Pleasant , it was fucking torture. I had hemorrhoid's reaching for the stars. Hemorrhoids , story of my life. I can write a whole blog on those god-damn motherfuckers.
Moving right along, so along came Dick.
16 months later I gave birth to two beautiful fat porkers ! Identical twins !! And I pushed those fatties right out of my blossoming rose, well actually baby B was pulled out. However, I can quickly add that the labour was somewhat enjoyable (took the epidural this time) and well the delivery is another story but a successful one. Carrying those two piglets was a challenge on its own. (To come in another blog, perhaps after the hemorrhoids)
So here we are today. Loving my life, savouring every moment.
Barf ! I don't sleep , I don't eat and I hardly have time to shit. My skin is so fucking dry from my lack of water intake that I have aged 10 years. Yes , yes I know the old saying "the care giver must take care of oneself first in order to care for others", you try that when you have 3 dependants crying for you for aid. Just hurry the fuck up and grow up !
Don't get me wrong, I do have blissful moments with these charmers more than it may seem and I do love them with all my heart. I wouldn't give them up for anything. I just dislike them most of the time.
Well , this is just the beginning of my blog journey and already I have so much catching up to do. Maybe later on I will find some time between feedings and shitty diapers to tell you a bit more. B.T.W, this took me two days to type and I still haven't done spell check. God I hope blogger has spell check.
kisses xoxo
Who ever said motherhood was the most rewarding , blissful time of their lives was high on cookie dough and low grade cooking oil. I on the other hand prefer to have on hand an empty CD case, visa card and a rolled up 5 dollar bill. Of course..... I am a responsible mother of 3 lovely children and have given up my rockstlye ways, now its a glass of Chardonnay at 19:30 sharp. FML!
So here's the story: 20 months ago I gave birth to a beautiful 7.10lb baby boy who we called Dick. The birthing was remarkably easy and pleasant. (we took Hypnobirthing classes). When things felt tense and I had any discomfort we immediately resorted to our Hypno training and started to meditate. I would envision my vagina becoming a blossoming rose , which symbolized the opening of the birth canal. A safe clean route for my first child to exit from. My husband had also learnt some nifty techniques which he put into use. Ie; a squeeze of the shoulder to help put me into a deep relaxation .
HAHA! Yeah right, DICK ???? Easy and Pleasant , it was fucking torture. I had hemorrhoid's reaching for the stars. Hemorrhoids , story of my life. I can write a whole blog on those god-damn motherfuckers.
Moving right along, so along came Dick.
16 months later I gave birth to two beautiful fat porkers ! Identical twins !! And I pushed those fatties right out of my blossoming rose, well actually baby B was pulled out. However, I can quickly add that the labour was somewhat enjoyable (took the epidural this time) and well the delivery is another story but a successful one. Carrying those two piglets was a challenge on its own. (To come in another blog, perhaps after the hemorrhoids)
So here we are today. Loving my life, savouring every moment.
Barf ! I don't sleep , I don't eat and I hardly have time to shit. My skin is so fucking dry from my lack of water intake that I have aged 10 years. Yes , yes I know the old saying "the care giver must take care of oneself first in order to care for others", you try that when you have 3 dependants crying for you for aid. Just hurry the fuck up and grow up !
Don't get me wrong, I do have blissful moments with these charmers more than it may seem and I do love them with all my heart. I wouldn't give them up for anything. I just dislike them most of the time.
Well , this is just the beginning of my blog journey and already I have so much catching up to do. Maybe later on I will find some time between feedings and shitty diapers to tell you a bit more. B.T.W, this took me two days to type and I still haven't done spell check. God I hope blogger has spell check.
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